Starting off 2015 as ME

I know I don’t post often…

perhaps I should post more.

I feel though that this space is reserved specifically for Trans matters, and should stay on topic.  Facebook is where I get all random.  At any rate… to the point of this post.

I have recently been fortunate to have made some VERY great friends on Facebook, and remarkably many of these new friends are right here in Calgary!  I was invited to spend New Years Eve with one such new friend here, and assured, it is a safe place, come however I want.

I was going to go ‘guy’ … meeting new people can be stressful enough as is.  I got to thinking… I am going to have to ‘meet’ people after and during transition…  why not enjoy a safe place and ring in the new year as ME?!  🙂

So I am going for it, and plan to have a great deal of fun, will post an update with pics, and all that stuff once I have recovered fully! lol

Wishing everyone a happy and safe New years.   Hope your 2015 is wonderful!

Peace and Love!

-Tamara

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Why Education on Trans issues matters

I recently posted on Facebook something along the lines of educating people will make the difference, and so forth.

To which a friend replied ( and no I won’t name this friend, out of respect) and I paraphrase heavily here ” Well what if people just don’t care?  I don’t care that you are Trans or gay or whatever… so why should that be important to me?”

While I do see the point, and in itself, it is a very valid one.   However I think it has to be looked at from a broader view.

Take for example school, in general.  Not counting uber nerds, geeks and those types ( not an insult… you just excel at academia 😉 ) … how many kids really care about education?  How many would rather be hanging out with friends?  Chilling at the mall?

I know from personal experience, I hated school and education, it was boring useless information being crammed down my throat that I thought I would never need.  AHH…   THOUGHT i would never need.   Its not until you have it, that you actually appreciate and understand the knowledge you gained from it.

I am hardly one to speak on matters of education, being a grade 9 drop out myself, I am what I like to refer to as “real world taught”.   In matters of Trans or LGBT issues though, the more people that just take a bit of time to learn that no. its not a disease, mental disorder, malady or any other sort of deformity the better.  These are people down the road who may just stand up and say to some bigot, “no, you are wrong.”   Someone educated and understanding might actually step in and stop the next senseless murder.  Or at the very least, share what they have learned.  🙂

Its hard for someone like me, who generally doesn’t like being any type of “activist” perse, but in some ways, just who I am will have me doing so anyway.  Educating people isn’t asking for money, isn’t asking you to convert to some pie-in-the-sky religion, its just asking people to open their minds to learn new things that they perhaps don’t understand at present.

With new understanding, maybe there is hope. 🙂

Peace and love,

– Tamara

The wait is on …

Well, I know its not much of an update, but it does pertain to my transition, so it is worthy of note.

I contacted Dr. Raiche’s office today to find that there were over 100 others on the waiting list.  Ya, fun times.  I do admit I am a little down about it, but at least things are still moving, slowly albeit, but moving.  I should be looking at a wait of approximately 3 to 6 months.

Dr. Raiche is the final gatekeeper before getting to Dr. Jablonski and HRT.

I have waited this long, a little more won’t hurt.  I can use the time to work out how I am going to deal with work. 🙂

All is still good.  🙂

now its just … wait… wait… wait…  LOL

Peace and Love!

– Tamara

I am Transgender! ( Molson Canadian Rant do-over )

I’m not a Tranny or a she-male.

I don’t live in a closet, or sing show tunes, or own a tiara.

And I don’t know RuPaul, Paul Simon, or Les Paul, tho I am sure they are all nice people.

I have a penis, or a vagina.

I speak plainly and honestly.

I can proudly sew my rainbow flag on my backpack.

I believe in love and accptance, not hatred and bigotry.

Diversity, not societal assimilation.

And that one day I may be seen as a proud and noble animal!

Disorder is a label, hate is our reality.

And we are human not IT, HUMAN!

Transgender is the most misunderstood of LGBT and the FIRST and easiest to pick out, but the best at being true to ourselves.

My name is Tamara, and I AM TRANSGENDER!


The above is a reworking of an old Molson Canadian beer commercial, “My name is Joe” Also kknown as “The Rant” the original transcript is provided below:

“I’m not a lumberjack or a fur trader. I don’t live in an igloo or eat blubber or own a dog sled. And I don’t know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although I’m certain they’re really, really nice. I have a prime minister, not a president. I speak English and French, not American. And I pronounce it about, not aboot. I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack. I believe in peacekeeping, not policing. Diversity, not assimilation. And that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal. A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch. And it is pronounced zed, not zee, zed. Canada is the second largest landmass, the first nation of hockey and the best part of North America. My name is Joe, and I am Canadian!”


Peace and Love!

– Tamara

Facebook asked me “What’s on your mind? ” … dare I answer?

“What’s On your mind?” 

We see this question every day, posed to us by Facebook.  An innocent question, and perhaps a bit open ended.

The short answer to this question would be “LOTS”.  Ahhh, but we get too wrapped up in the cool factor of social media, and worrying more about how others might view your “personal drama” to actually answer this question truthfully.  Social media has turned more into a barrage of duck-lipped selfies and cat worship ( of which, yes I am guilty of as well ) than actually networking and being social.   A lot of times, its about the laugh, a funny picture or sharing George Takei’s latest post, which is a good thing, laughter heals.

I have seen people bitch and moan, ( and yes, I have done this too, I am not excluding myself from this analysis ) about what people post to their own walls.  As if its any of their business.  When taken into context, they are simply answering a very basic question.

For me it was religion, and people trying to “save” the world.  This would drive me completely bonkers.   Having had some time to think about things, and perhaps think how it might look to them seeing all my posts to my wall regarding trans related issues, and LGBT related posts, WHO AM I TO SAY ANYTHING?

What seems like drama to others could be a 2 ton weight on the shoulders of another.

In fact, part of the reason I decided to start this blog, was so I could actually start answering that very question, without seeming the “drama queen”  or just constantly whining on Facebook.   There are going to be a lot of days ahead where things are not so easy, and not so perfect.  Note that Facebook still to this day does not have a “dislike” button, not all posts are GOOD or HAPPY news.   Perhaps I too have fallen prey to the mainstream thought that Facebook and social media in general is reserved for the cool stuff only.   Perhaps I don’t want to offend anyone with the details of my transition.  It could also be that I don’t want to be called out for doing more or less the same to others.

I think we ( as a whole, yes WE ) need to stop being critical of what others put on social media, if it was posted, it was important to someone enough in the first place.  I know I am going to stop being so critical, after all, these people are my friends right?

So… just for fun.

Here is “what’s on my mind”.

  • Waiting to hear from Dr. Raiche is driving me bonkers, I will most likely have to end up calling his office to confirm referral
  • After doing a half shift at work on light duty, I am wondering how long its going to take to get back to normal.
  • All the hoops I have to jump through regarding this accident are driving me insane, but I can’t talk about any of it… FRUSTRATING AS HELL
  • Hoping I can get onto HRT as quickly as possible, and get things moving for a change, I have had this “parked” for so long its ridiculous.
  • I am terrified at the huge step I am going to be taking in the near future, especially where work is concerned, and also about going full time as a trans-woman.  I want that more than anything, but honestly it scares the wits out of me at present.
  • I am starting to meet some of the most WONDERFUL and SUPPORTIVE people I have ever met, open minded, and caring,  for that I am very lucky, and very thankful for.

Its a short list, and I suppose I could go on.  It just helps me personally to re-enforce what I was mentioning earlier, these items are important to me at current.  When my friends post, its important to them, I should and will be less critical of what’s out there.

Just a little bit of self exploration, I guess, thought I would share it.

Peace and love!

– Tamara

From Chewbacca to silky smooth … at home! A D.I.Y. gadget you may want – The Tria4X home Laser

Chewbacca Approved

Chewbacca Approved

Hi all!

I thought it might be good to share some of the things I have to go through during transition.

One of the biggest, aside from hormones is of course hair removal.  Yep, there is no getting around this one.  Some girls I know wax, some shave, some have paid for excessively expensive fees for professional treatments, and only one other that I know personally has used what I am going to try.

Doing it myself.

I heard of a home laser hair removal system called the Tria 4X.  Which apparently promises the same results as salon based treatment at a one time only cost of purchasing.  Naturally I was sceptical.  Another of those too good to be true things.  It was still intriguing enough for me to continue to research it more.

As it turns out, my ex, and our daughter just happened to have one.  At last! Someone I know who can tell me yes or no!

Tria 4X home Laser Hair Removal

Tria 4X home Laser Hair Removal

They both say it works very well. Ah, but enter in the variable of physiology, they are both genetic female, how would it work though on my naturally MALE hair?  I needed to find someone in my situation who has used it as well.  I managed to find just that.   A Facebook friend named Dani told me she used the very same device to remove her beard and neck hair, and it was painful, and a long process.  BINGO!  So all I need is patience and just ignore the hurt.  All I needed to hear.

For a cost of $515.00 Canadian, I ordered mine, and it arrived VERY quickly.  ( link to their site will be at bottom of post )

I have started using it, and Dani was right, IT HURTS, but only where there is hair, a ha!! So that tells me it is indeed targeting what it should be.  It has 5 power levels, 1 ( for weaklings like myself – for now) to 5 ( pain threshold of say…. Deadpool ), and also has a safety feature that makes you unlock the laser on a patch of skin that you will be treating.  I checks to see if your skin tone is within acceptable treatment shade, and hair is dark enough.

I will, as time goes on post results, and further elaborate on the results I get, as I think this is a remarkable solution for transgender individuals who are perhaps to shy or scared to go into a public salon and start talking about removing trademark male hair.

Save Money!

The cost savings alone also make this device a huge advantage as well.  With the one time cost compared to potentially thousands spent in salon treatment, the clear winner is obvious.

I will continue to update my progress with it.


Here is the link to Tria home Beauty Solutions website:

Tria Home Beauty Solutions

Also, the direct link for the Laser 4X:

Tria Laser Hair Removal


Thanks for reading!

Stay smooth!

– Tamara

Back to the grindstone …

Not much really to post today.   Mostly things are at a halt, a sort of limbo while I wait to be contacted by Dr. Raiche.

Today I do go back to work for the first time in over 2 weeks.  I was in a car accident, can’t discuss it more than just to say that I was.  This having no money thing is getting sort of stale, and need to get back to making some.

Finally feeling good enough to get back to it, in a limited sense at least. 🙂

Looking forward to when things get back to normal, or well my personal flavour of normal anyway.  lol

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Peace and Love!

-Tamara

Every Journey needs a Beginning – This is mine.

Me

Yup, the starting point


Hello World


So, like everything else; books, movies, stories, there has to be a starting point.  A beginning. This is mine.

A 44 yr old ex Trucker looking to change everything. 😉

I post this not only for the benefit of the readers, but also for my own benefit as I continue on this journey.  I know for a fact from time to time, when things are seeming low or down, that I will need a reminder of how far I have come.   This photo will at least serve that purpose.

I will also be neat to compare as I post progressive pics as the efects of Spiro and Estrogen start to work their magic.

Black Dress

Where I am trying to get back to, but permanently.

I am not trying to set unrealistic goals, and know full well the difficulties facing me.  This post though, only serves as a baseline, the control.  Ground zero if you will.  This has been an incredibly long and sometimes torturous bout of acceptance, self hate, purging, and discovery.  Just getting to the point where I could finally be happy with myself was hard enough.

The wonderful thing though about it, is for the first time in a very long time, I am happy!   Honestly happy.   Everyone who knew me beforehand knows how downright miserable I was and I mean horrifyingly miserable.  I would give the Grinch a run for his money.

Now that I know how to be happy, and enjoy life, my friends, and see the positive for a change.   I can now try to get back to the pic to the right.  ( Or try to get as close as I can again. )

That was me a LONG time ago when I was figuring myself out, and involved in a local C/D social club.  It was a time when I was having the most fun, and still more or less being “me”.

So, now we have a start.  We have a more or less desired end. Our collective goal.  I guess its my job to fill in all the blank pages, and get from point A to B, and document it the best I can.
Thank you for joining me!

Peace and Love!

– Tamara

Where things are currently

Just wanted to get a post up detailing more or less where I sit currently.

HRT:

I went to see one psych about getting on HRT, and was told that it would take anywhere from 8 – 12 sessions with her ( at $180.00 per session no less!) for her to evaluate me.

OH REALLY?  No thanks.

Through a trans male friend of mine ( yup going the opposite direction! ) right here in Calgary, I was able to hook up with a much better psych, who just happens to be gay as well.  This saves a whole lot of time explaining anything about shame, hiding, fear, self hate… ALL of that.

1 Session with him, moved onto the next round!  Easy peasy! 🙂

Thanks to his referral, I am now waiting for contact from Dr. Raiche’s office, who is essentially THE Gatekeeper in Calgary, the last stop before Dr. Jablonski (Endocrinologist, hormones).

Employment:

While I wait, I have to also consider how I am going to approach coming out at work as well, and the effects it will have.  It is the final step to me going full time.

Frankly I am terrified.

I will make it work, but it scares the hell out of me just thinking about it.

Peace and love!

— Tamara

How and why I chose Facebook to come out.

Below is the last thing I posted as John on Facebook, I then changed my profile pic to “Closed” and never went back.

I chose Facebook though, because I knew it was going to be a VERY repetitious process, telling the same story over and over and over.  This way I could let my friends absorb it, then follow the link and come see me over here and ask whatever they wanted to.  I made the necessary calls to mom and dad obviously.   Thought it worth a share anyways.

Peace and Love,

Tamara


Goodbye: Part 1 ( pending further need I suppose )

This could be lengthy… And include multiple links… so bear with me.
This is however going to be the last post made from this account … and from me as John.
First off … many of you are aware ( and some not, and that’s ok … surprise! ) of my crossdressing past …so this may not be as much of an issue or ‘shock so to speak’

It should be noted though right here and now though, what I do, I do for me… I am not trying to please anyone but myself. Not to sound rude or anything, but i have moved beyond the point of what people think of me… so no offense If you are offended yes I am sorry… but nothing changes.. I will still move forward.

Since I was 5 years old i knew there was something just not right with me… I always liked girly stuff .. wanted to dress like girls .. and was busted by mom and dad… on more than one occasion… This is something I hid for all my life… When I finally could express myself I joined a group in Calgary called the Illusions Social Club… specifically for C/D folks with no safe place. It was FANTASTIC … I had a place to be ME! and be free about things… with no judgement … no ridicule. It was awesome. It only lasted so long… as it was member funded… and wasn’t an official Organization or Society … so it ultimately folded.

That though is only 50% of the story. The remaining 50% that i have bottled up… is that crossdressing has actually been a front for something much deeper. And always HAS BEEN… I have known this ALL MY LIFE. The truth of the matter is I am NOT a crossdresser, just some guy who likes to wear dresses… I am in fact a woman who wears dresses because its the right thing to do but wasn’t born in the right body.

I am what is called Gender Identidy Dysphoric … Many like to use the term Gender Identity DISORDER … but I stray from that … I dont see it as a disorder … I see it as TRUTH. The truth of the matter is … I may have been BORN male… but inside … I was not… and never have been, There is NOTHING ever that will change that … except my own self acceptance…. And now here we are.

I have finally come to terms with ME.

So what does this mean? Do I want to be a woman? Technically NO… I have always inside identified as female. What I want it the exterior to catch the hell up. Does it change me? God no… I am still me…. I still love my computers, my PS3 gaming… chatting on facebook with friends… firepitting and so on.. I am still me.

But the ME you got to know has been probably the very best acting this world has ever seen… It wasn’t me. Not the me I want to be, the ME I AM.

Please watch this… Its a US Marine who has almost the IDENTICAL story to my own:

This is not to hurt anyone..
This is not to offend anyone…

I HAVE TO BE ME.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6HaVYg6kB4

I have chosen a new name…
Tamara Jean Wallace..

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php…

I have a facebook account in that name…
An welcome anyone that wishes to continue to know me or associate with me.

What I face is not going to be easy … not even in the slightest. I have MUCH to do.

Those who wish to please friend me, Tamara, and if you have anything to ask… or just want to chat… I welcome it

BUT I AM DONE FUCKING HIDING.

John,

Signing off.
I love you ALL.

And I am done HATING MYSELF …just for being ME